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A Comical Look At The Different Ways To Move


I am pausing from unpacking boxes to write this post on moving. I feel I have a bit of authority on the matter because this is my 54th move. Yes, you read that right. 54.

No, I’m not an army brat. Nope, not a gypsy either. (Well, not technically.) I've somehow just ended up moving...a lot.

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?

So what has all of this moving taught me? Well, one thing, for sure, is the necessity of simplifying my material life. Hey, if I haven’t needed, wanted or used it in a couple of months, it’s gone, because I don’t want to schlep it again!

I have become a true minimalist. Yet even despite this, it took two guys and me, a truck and a trailer, and 10 1/2 hours to move me a 1/2 mile away!

It has also made me a lot less hung up on material things. Because inevitably things turn up missing or broken. I get over it really quick now.

I’ve moved every which way over the years, including loose! I have categorized the different styles of moving. Here’s a breakdown.

THE REGAL MOVE​​

This one I have never had the financial means to pull off, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t dreamed of it.

The Regal Move is when you hire a white-glove service to come in and pack all of your stuff, relocate it and unpack for you at your new place, while you are out yachting or at a spa day. Ahhh…to have an unlimited budget. A girl can dream!

THE WORKING STIFF MOVE

I’ve done this move multiple times. This move is scheduled over a weekend, sandwiched in between your work weeks. You hire a moving company, pack it all up yourself on Friday afternoon and Saturday morning, they move it for you, and you spend all day Sunday unpacking. You are one persnickety, tired beast come Monday morning, but the job is done.

THE GHETTO MOVE

I’ve done this one more times than not. You find a couple of unemployed dudes with strong backs, rent your own U-haul for the weekend, pack it up by yourself and help them load and unload.

This move typically results in a much higher damage rate and missing valuables.

Professional movers rely on word of mouth and Yelp reviews, and are therefore a lot less likely to walk away with your Harman Kardin bluetooth speaker. (I still lament this item!)

THE ‘HOOD MOVE

I’m sorry to say, but I’ve had to use this method a few times over the years as well. This is when you buy a couple of large, pepperoni pizzas and a couple of 12-packs. You set the pizza by an open window around 11 am on move day and hope the smell wafts out into the neighborhood. You look as pitiful as you possibly can, and rope in any suckers you can find. This will include neighbors, friends, friends of friends, passer-by’s, or basically anyone with a pulse willing to help you schlep your stuff.

The ‘Hood Move is cheap at the on-start, but know that the chances of your electronics and other portable valuables making it to your new home is iffy, at best. So depending on the value of your valuables, the ‘Hood Move can actually end up costing you more in the long run!

With a ‘Hood Move, you also have to factor in who you rope in. If you are in the unfortunate position of having no money and needing to rely on any warm body you can get, beware of the substance abusers, unless you want the following results.

THE BOOZER MOVE

Sure, drinkers seem like a lot of fun to have around for a day of physical drudgery. After all, they are jovial and willing. Of course, there’s the problem of them not wanting to set their large tumblers full of booze down in order to pick up things two-handed. But it is kind of comical watching them trying to carry boxes with their adult sippy-cups in hand!

And there’s the added benefit that they will always alert you when they break, damage or destroy something. Fits of laughter will follow. That’s how you keep track of the ongoing damage that is unfolding.

THE STONER MOVE

Stoners are great, as long as you prepare for them. They are mellow, happy and willing to help and get the job done, as long as you can afford to supply a steady stream of munchies along the way.

Make sure the TV’s and computers are unplugged before they arrive. You don’t want them getting stuck in an endless loop of cartoon watching or video game playing, which is always a risk.

Just make sure they don’t spill the bong water on your new carpet. That smell never quite goes away.

THE TWEAKER MOVE

Ah yes, the tweakers. The tweakers will stay up all night the night before the move, smoking one bowl after another, and discussing in precise detail how they are going to knock this project out of the park for you the next day.

But when the next day rolls around, you return to find them in a corner of your living room, scrubbing out the sliding glass door track with a toothbrush, with nay not even a single box moved!

Do not confront them on this! First, you will never convince them that they are being unproductive. Plus, they are so sleep deprived that confronting them will likely land you in a volatile shouting match that won’t get the job done anyway. They’ll just bounce on their bikes and that will be the end of that!

THE COKE HEAD MOVE

Don’t even bother with this one. First, they will spend the entire two days of moving in the bathroom doing lines. Second, they will steal and hawk all of your valuables immediately to replenish their coke supply. Fruitless.

THE “LET’S DROP ACID AND MOVE!” MOVE

If you are in your late teens or early twenties, and are a straight up dumb ass, this might seem like a good idea.

Take a mundane drudgery and throw in hallucinogens at to make it interesting!

Before the acid fully kicks in, they might actually get you packed and loaded. But then they’ll drive it to and offload it at the wrong house! (And they always drop it!)

So there you have it. Assemble a sober move team, if possible. Try to pay for pros, if you can. Weeks before the move date, everything you touch in your pad, ask yourself, “Really now, how often do I actually use this and how much do I really like it?” If you are not passionate about it, get rid of it!

The Salvation Army and the Dumpster Divers Association Of America (that organization doesn’t really exist, except in my imagination,) love me and all of my many moves! They clean up! And my life goes on without a lot of extra baggage.

Still, though, looking around today, I realize I still have too much stuff. I long for my early college years when it consisted of a futon and what I could fit in a backpack.

Oh. And if you’re not doing anything today, I sure could use a little help unpacking!

© 2018 Elisa Fortise Christensen

Dumpster Divers Unite! (I think I know this guy. He probably has my Harman Kardin bluetooth speaker.)

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